Friendships Beyond Playground.

Can we talk for a second about how difficult it is to make mom (or parent) friends?

I just got back from an awesome coffee date with a mom at my daughter’s school and felt inspired to write this.

There’s something about motherhood—parenthood in general—that I’ve observed: a trend where people almost forget they were individuals before they became parents. And this isn’t to take anything away from the beauty and bliss that parenthood can bring (between the sleepless nights and the umpteenth request for a snack). But it’s like your entire social life suddenly revolves exclusively around kid-related activities.

Let’s be honest—sometimes you just want to strike up a conversation about a cool movie you saw, or a cute sweater you bought last weekend, or even drop an F-bomb talking about virtually anything. (I can’t believe I say “F-bomb” now… ugh.)

Take, for example, an average kid’s birthday party today. It’s usually held at a play space, with all the activities clearly outlined minute by minute: ten minutes in the play area, ten minutes drawing, fifteen minutes for pizza—you get the gist.

As parents, we don’t really feel like invitees at these events—more like herders. Herding our children from one thing to the next, hovering to offer sips of water. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I didn’t succumb to dehydration as a kid without my mom carrying a water bottle for me everywhere.

These very structured experiences are simply not designed with parents in mind. With already scarce opportunities to interact with other parents—basically just drop-off or pick-up—birthday parties seem like the only logical place to get to know each other. But this rigid setup makes it nearly impossible to have any meaningful conversation. Of course, the kids are having a great time, so we find solace in that—but doesn’t it feel like something’s missing?

I find most parents at those events are just waiting for the thing to be over so they can move on with their day.

Growing up in Moscow—and maybe it was a different time and place—but I distinctly remember my birthdays being events that were equally fun for both kids and parents. My mom would usually invite a bunch of people over, make food for the kids and the grown-ups, and get a couple of bottles of wine. The kids would be designated to a room to play, while the parents hung out in the kitchen or another room, socially engaging and truly connecting as human beings. This form of celebration allowed our parents to actually become friends in their own right. Everybody won!

Maybe this was a feature of the “pre-digital age,” when people were still interested in truly getting to know one another. Maybe the pandemic made us a bit paranoid around strangers. Maybe it’s the part of me that’s lived my whole life in big cities—but I’ve always been curious about the people around me.

Maybe it’s also because suburban culture can be very cliquey. (And I get it—if you grow up in one town, go to the same school as everyone else, and then run into those same people when you have a child, there’s not much room to evolve beyond that social circle.)

But in our very “checklist / high-productivity” driven days, are we neglecting the chance to connect as humans? To get to know each other as multi-dimensional individuals—with goals, dreams, fears, and hopes? Because this is how actual friendships form.

I often hear people talk about how hard it is to make friends as adults—but maybe it’s not about “the times.” Maybe it’s about how we see each other, and how willing we are to open up.

I believe technology can only get in the way of this to the extent that we allow it to.

So next time, go ahead and ask that fellow mom for a coffee date after drop-off—or that fellow dad to watch a game (I just assume that’s how men hang out). You just might make a new friend—for the first time since high school!

Have you struggled with making friends as an adult? If so, leave a comment below. =)